Everybody seeks permission.

That’s the tea.

All our struggles; all the hustle for money; all the self-helping we do, stems from the longing to finally be okay with what we are. Same with all the approval-seeking that defines most of us. It’s all to give ourselves the permission to be comfortable with what we are and live without or minimize inner conflict of any sort. The logic behind it is that if other people love and adore us, then we must be lovable and adorable. We use the external as metrics for worthiness.

This propensity to outsource our self-esteem and autonomy to society is necessary in some ways. After all, living with no regard for the thoughts or welfare of the people that comprise your immediate society makes you prone to unintentionally hurting your fellows. Sometimes in especially grievous ways. However, in a dysfunctional society, this phenomenon serves to do more harm than good, and unfortunately for us, modern society has several sicknesses.

That, however, is beside the point; the koko is we’ve decided that a bunch of people, who are not us, must give us the green light before we’re able to comfortably live as we choose. A few examples, off the top of my head, of how we do this include thinking thoughts like:

If you’re not pretty, you shouldn’t be taking selfies.

If you can’t dance you shouldn’t dance in public.

If you don’t have money, you shouldn’t approach women you fancy.

If you’re not rich you shouldn’t have any self-worth.

I’ll agree that if you’re not especially good looking, you shouldn’t expect likes, ranging in the thousands, from your selfies unless you’re famous for other reasons. And I can also understand that if you’re broke, chasing women shouldn’t be your priority. These facts, however, do not in any way conclude that if you do not fit the described categories you are barred from engaging in these activities for doing’s sake. I think, also, that this is where society gets us; how it drains the richness from our lives.

This way of living -doing things only for the expected rewards- programs us to become extremely outcome-based entities, that lose the ability to enjoy doing things for their own sake. This trait, is what separates children from adults. Children, the younger they are, are able to live very engaging lives because most of what they do is nonsense; not geared to any outcomes, just pure experimentation. Pure cruise, as my boys would say. They are ‘alive’ in the sense that the world as they experience it, is neither a foe to be defeated, nor a bunch of goals to be smashed. It is also not any of our heavily conceptualized social ‘games’ with rules that must be followed to the letter. In their view, life is a mystery to be explored, a happening to be observed, and a toy to be played with. Babies do not have the capacity to judge, or apply any labels to, themselves, so nothing seems ‘beyond’ them. They are capable of spontaneity and do not cling to the negative experiences (except in extreme cases) that befall them, and this allows for very rich and eventful living.

I’m not saying having-goals, or labeling yourself, or being outcome oriented is a bad thing; that mode of thinking has its place and is very valuable when used correctly. However, spontaneity and living life to the fullest is only possible if you let go of the limitations socially-imposed labels and expected rewards, place on you. Being able to act only on a reward basis is akin to domestication; you become attached to benefits and are subsequently unable to explore and innovate, and to transform yourself at your own choice. More disturbing, however, is how closed-off from possibility you become; because you can only act if there are perceived gains, you will tend to never leave your comfort zone. This increases the chances that you end up living a life with no discoveries or adventures; completely at the mercy of the society you live in.

One way I’m learning to lessen the tugs of society’s reward systems on me is by reminding myself that what I seek is my own permission; my own deeply felt understanding that I am a human being worthy enough to go for the things I want, whether they are destined to end in failure or not. Money is pleasurable and opens the doors to previously-undreamed-of possibilities, and I will seek to make as much of it as I can. Love as well is a beautiful thing and I will welcome it when it comes. Same for respect and status, they make me feel important, which is good for confidence. However, no measure of success will help me accept myself if I don’t give me permission to do so. So, I remind myself every day, that what I seek is not worldly success or approval, but my own approval of myself; my own permission to love and approve myself, and every day, I do my best to give that permission, while still trying to achieve as many of my goals as possible.

You should try this too. It’s not a one-time move though; conditioning is strong and runs on a self-sustained loop. You’ll need to give yourself permission over and over and over, probably for the rest of your life, depending on how deeply you’ve been indoctrinated into society’s cult.

We all have things we’d like to try, out of curiosity. Well, I do, at least. We all have mini-ventures and experiments we want to attempt; things we’d like to do, and see, irrespective of outcome; things we shy away from because they’re out of character and inappropriate for the roles we project for approval. Things that would give us more stories to tell and widen our perspectives, enabling us to better take life in as it is. But we always look outside for permission.

There are times to play along with the crowd and project a role; we must commit to things beyond ourselves if we’re to grow. However, exploration time is just as important; it’s what we call play. All mammals play; exploration is encoded in your DNA. Give yourself permission to express, give yourself permission to actually live. Namaste.