To be Understood
This is my 21st entry into the 1001 challenge to write one thousand and one words everyday throughout the month of November. Leggo!
Have you ever had a moment where you discovered something that deeply fascinated you? And in excitement shared this thought with your partner, with the belief that your lover would understand, or at least be infected by your excitement? Only to receive a “You’re weird,” or “Why do you think like this?” as a response?
Yeah, me too. And it sucks.
In fact, it does more than suck, it hurts like hell; it feels like a part of you has been rubbished. Why? Because the things that fascinate you, are usually abstract reflections of the deepest parts of your person. The parts you don’t show just anyone; the parts you wish you could let others see, but don’t because most people just won’t get it, and will probably make fun of you for it. However, having these parts of you dismissed by someone who claims to love you for you, is deep. It’s deep enough to be a sign that you’re with the wrong person.
It’s not that your partner should automatically understand or agree with the weird stuff you say, no, that’s a recipe for disaster. However, there should be suspension of judgement, and a genuine attempt at understanding, on their part. And if after all of this, they don’t understand, then there should be acceptance, within reason, because the truth is:
We’re all weird.
The degrees differ, but the fact remains: we all have streaks of abnormality that come in the form of random interests and thoughts that make perfect sense to us, but leave others giving us blank or confused looks.
If you’ve never had a moment like that; a moment when you seem to be the only one on your side in a conversation or among a group, then chances are, you’ve not lived an authentic life. The shred of individuality given to every human being, if followed, will have at some point, caused you to say or do things that other people find difficult to understand.
In most settings (especially the home), unfortunately, this confusion is followed by rebuttal, scolding or dismissal by the other party. And often, this causes the individual’s individuality to withdraw deep into his or her psyche; continually coated by layers of conditioning gained via approval seeking.
As a result, most of us nothing but neurotic creatures, constantly at war with our deeper urges, and living through second-hand personalities. We are recycled versions of our parents, robotic minions of our environment, and mental slaves of society’s idols. Some of us, through random chance, or by meeting the right people, eventually realize this and work to break out. But the average person, will never glimpse this truth, and will live his life denying his individuality, and rejecting — in some cases, attacking — that of others.
Ideally relationships are to be zones of safety, vulnerability, and acceptance. The world is hard enough already: the average person is a jackass, work is stressful, parties — which should be fun — are vanity affairs, and friends, despite being the gems they are, have lives of their own. Leaving just you and your partner, if you have one, to face the burden of freedom.
If you’re with someone who can’t or isn’t willing, to see the world through your eyes; who can’t see the magic you hide inside; who isn’t willing to follow you down your rabbit holes of thought, wonder and curiosity, then I don’t think you’re doing it right. Likewise, if you can’t do that for your partner then he or she doesn’t interest you enough.
It obviously takes more than sharing your deepest self with your partner to make a relationship work. It takes good communication, a balanced psyche and all of that stuff, relationship books, and coaches spout. It’s a lot of work. Yet, it can be argued that the desire to be understood, is one of the biggest reasons people get together. Finding that one person, who makes you feel wonderful for being what you are, is one of life’s biggest wonders, and makes the work of maintaining a serious relationship worth it.
Loneliness is a part of the human condition, we will forever be isolated from everyone else, because there are parts of us that words can’t communicate. Finding people who care enough to want to know anyway, is a blessing, you should be grateful for. They provide an alternate home, a place you can go when your psychological walls are down and you need to recharge.
Be with someone who is willing to see all of you; not the parts of you that are pretty or logical. Peace.
